Before you try to forget me, read my words

Another lonely day,
Another day and I'm left alone in my room. I have all the riches surrounding me and all the love a mother and father can give, but yet I'm alone In my room and emptiness feels my heart once again. All she ever wanted was someone who didn't break her heart, someone who didn't deceive her or someone that didn't make her a victim. And I was that person, I was the person that stood by her side. And then I made a mistake. The evil ness consumed my soul just like it did to every person she let close to her heart. See what I don't quite understand is how I made her my world how I talked and talked about her, kept her on my mind day after day, but still was able to do such a hurt full thing..
From her head down to her feet she walks with such a devine confidence her laugh cheers up a crowed and her smile brings chills up my spine. Perfection is an understatement. The best part is that I can see threw her hazel eyes and see that she is not spoiled nor selfish. I can see the pain and how she covers the tears up because she knows that it could be worse that she is not at the worst.
She has it all. Everything I am scared to be she delivers with pride. Unique she is and ordinary she is not. She is clearly one of a kind. I love this girl, I have never felt this much for anyone. I have never wanted to be part of any ones life more than hers. But it has seemed that I let the demons take over my obsession. And I know my love for her couldn't have been as strong as it is, and last for eternity. I knew this perfection was going to have to either move forward or end. I couldn't love her forever unless she was willing to love back. So now, I sit hear in my room, with all the riches and gold I would ever want, but I am alone, because with out her heart and her love I am not whole.
A little part of me will always be missing, until the one day I dream of her returning to me will actually become a reality and I will hold her in my arms and reassure her that every thing is alright, that I am hear to wipe away all the pain she hides and I will help her fight any demons, we will do it together because to halfs make a whole.

"why do you do it" I asked as I stared at him while his eyes seemed to roll back. He looked at me and told me something painfull,
"it puts me in a place, a place where I don't have to deal with anything
a place where I can breath and relax and not deal with my problems," he looks me dead in the eyes when he wispered
"it makes me forget for a little while, forget about my fucked up life."

This circus ISN'T falling down on its knees

stfu, cuz maceeissspeaking

For once this isn't a hate post. I'm happy?!? My emotions arn't crumbling down or my homework isn't piled up. I'm just sitting back jamming to counting crows texting that special some one. Last night, weird as it seems, i realized that i'm done with the bull shit. Within ten mins of Mr.special someone leaving i got a text from Mr. not so special someone. "yo" he says. Asking all the bull shit about when we gonna chill. Saying its been awhile. he must not be happy with his girlfriend i think to my self. And see the old me would so be like yahh ikk i miss you and shit like that. But see me, being the new, still having a flushed face from Mr.special someone just realizes that I'm better than that bull shit ness. That "ill text you later." that home wrecker feeling bullshiaatt. I deserve something more. And hey, even if me and Mr. someone special doesn't work out, ill accept and realize that i am capable of having something like that with some one else. that it is possible for Maceb to have a relationship with someone else.
lifee iss good.

peace:love:drugs&happiness

maceisDONEspeaking

this arn't to great at the moment.

This, is me... my junior year. OK i don't know if I'm just being over dramatic or whatever. but I'm freaking! like I'm so stressed out! i can't sleep well knowing that I'm going to have a hard test in the next week or so, or have a project due that i prob haven't even started yet. freshman year... i didn't give two fucks soph year was a breeze.. now this year... i wanna take hard classes so i did... but now I'm regretting it cuz i got my report card and have 3 C!! up to this point iv made honor role. or just about. and iv done good and iv tried hard to get it and this yeah i feel like I'm trying even harder than iv ever tried...and still Nada, nothing. its like I'm working working working then BAM " you have failed " like cramming all night for a text and getting a 50... like iv never thought so much about dropping out of school till this year. i just wanna travel the world and take really good pictures.. not fucking learn where my body parts are and being taught bull shit things by MS B. ( shout outtttt ) who is a complete mess with her lil fucking sneakers and oversizes coffee cup first period.... i sooo should of stayed in Dr.c's class. I SHOULD OF STAYED IN ALL MY LEVEL TWO CLASSES. butt nooooo i had to be miss " colleges like level one class students " attitude and march down to guidance and get it changed... WHAT WAS I THINKING! i'm like crying. if all hell hasn't already broken loose i'm under the major weigh of my job. panera. which I'm getting fatter by the day ..by. fuckfuckfuck. they always want me to close. i hate closing. ok i'm done drinking, i'm done smoking, i'm done with friends and people. i'm going to pull a mary lu and just find a new love of studding and working. i don't want ANY FRIENDS. i don't want a boy friend. i don't want to have to worry about who i'm taking to junior prom i don't want to have to worry about anything. i wanna live free and naked in a desert with just me and some hot model that i can't think of and just have sex and not make babies and live off of plants and catus water. that's it!! that's all i ask for. every thing else can go fuck its self. ughhhh. i'm now going to go cry in my bed and wake up tomorrow and pretend that i'm not stressed and i'm not crumbling on the inside, only because there are people in other countries who never ever ever are going to have an education... you pooor pooor people are the only thing that keeps me from slowly dieing in this country. MOTHERFUCKER

Ahh don't you love it? the hazy view of the world that you have when you have had a little too much of god's fermentation? The fact that everyone of gods beautiful beings look just to die for? ha yeah right. see this night was a BIG learning experience for me! it taught me that, i have a problem. i can't drink with decently good looking people, i just can't. It's in no hesitation that i will be all over them by the end of the night... and the thing that scares me is that it really doesn't matter if there male of female... iv had extremely drunk times with both sexes. and this is what scares me. this night i took things a little too far and made the same mistakes that i said that i wouldn't make again, woken up and cried in the bathroom again. and tried to make excuses for my self once....again. i tell my self "time after time"( bomb song Cyndi Lauper) that i wont make this mistake ever again. butt OH shit. look i didn't keep my promise.. to my self. and I'm not disappointing my parents( cuz they have no idea), not my friends ( cuz there off doing the same thing ). I'm disappointing in my self. and letting my self down! that's not chill!! it seems like i have a problem. it's not that i cant be around hot, sexy, or some what attractive people. its that i shouldn't drink around hot, sexy or some what attractive people. because when i look back to it i always do stupid shit. either text a person i cursed out a week before for using me for sexual favors and asking them for somewhat sexual favors or texting my parents instead of texting the person i cursed out for sexual favors...and asking them for some what sexual favors.....:x ( it has happened ) i mean i will prob end up drinking again by the time i graduate. but not with people i don't trust or with people that will let me go off with strangers. friends that will stay by my side and we will look out for each other. this is a new begging for me. and i feel that because I'm not what i thought i was, Mr. alpha has given me another chance to prove that i can actually hold my self up when iv had a little too much of gods fermentation.

Some one once told me photography doesn't take talent

apporval of an object

Yup, I'm in the dark again, and my brain starts to ponder and i can come to a conclusion that maybe its wrong what I'm choosing, and confidence shouldn't be lacked when the lights turn on and the mirror looks back. when i turn the other way when he passes instead of giving a basic hey or when I hold back laughter and shame my self with what i said after. when he gives a one word answer and i circle around a response like a dancer. when he brushes my shoulder or grabs my hand I'm immovable like if my feet were in sand. I wish i could build up the strength in my self and not feel like I'm the last toy on the shelf. Like the last resort or the worst player on the team sport. that i could wake up every morning and look at my self with out the dissapproval mourning. why cant i love who i am and not live to impress him no mater how much he his on that limb i should feel like i could achieve within.