Before you try to forget me, read my words

Another lonely day,
Another day and I'm left alone in my room. I have all the riches surrounding me and all the love a mother and father can give, but yet I'm alone In my room and emptiness feels my heart once again. All she ever wanted was someone who didn't break her heart, someone who didn't deceive her or someone that didn't make her a victim. And I was that person, I was the person that stood by her side. And then I made a mistake. The evil ness consumed my soul just like it did to every person she let close to her heart. See what I don't quite understand is how I made her my world how I talked and talked about her, kept her on my mind day after day, but still was able to do such a hurt full thing..
From her head down to her feet she walks with such a devine confidence her laugh cheers up a crowed and her smile brings chills up my spine. Perfection is an understatement. The best part is that I can see threw her hazel eyes and see that she is not spoiled nor selfish. I can see the pain and how she covers the tears up because she knows that it could be worse that she is not at the worst.
She has it all. Everything I am scared to be she delivers with pride. Unique she is and ordinary she is not. She is clearly one of a kind. I love this girl, I have never felt this much for anyone. I have never wanted to be part of any ones life more than hers. But it has seemed that I let the demons take over my obsession. And I know my love for her couldn't have been as strong as it is, and last for eternity. I knew this perfection was going to have to either move forward or end. I couldn't love her forever unless she was willing to love back. So now, I sit hear in my room, with all the riches and gold I would ever want, but I am alone, because with out her heart and her love I am not whole.
A little part of me will always be missing, until the one day I dream of her returning to me will actually become a reality and I will hold her in my arms and reassure her that every thing is alright, that I am hear to wipe away all the pain she hides and I will help her fight any demons, we will do it together because to halfs make a whole.

"why do you do it" I asked as I stared at him while his eyes seemed to roll back. He looked at me and told me something painfull,
"it puts me in a place, a place where I don't have to deal with anything
a place where I can breath and relax and not deal with my problems," he looks me dead in the eyes when he wispered
"it makes me forget for a little while, forget about my fucked up life."

This circus ISN'T falling down on its knees

stfu, cuz maceeissspeaking

For once this isn't a hate post. I'm happy?!? My emotions arn't crumbling down or my homework isn't piled up. I'm just sitting back jamming to counting crows texting that special some one. Last night, weird as it seems, i realized that i'm done with the bull shit. Within ten mins of Mr.special someone leaving i got a text from Mr. not so special someone. "yo" he says. Asking all the bull shit about when we gonna chill. Saying its been awhile. he must not be happy with his girlfriend i think to my self. And see the old me would so be like yahh ikk i miss you and shit like that. But see me, being the new, still having a flushed face from Mr.special someone just realizes that I'm better than that bull shit ness. That "ill text you later." that home wrecker feeling bullshiaatt. I deserve something more. And hey, even if me and Mr. someone special doesn't work out, ill accept and realize that i am capable of having something like that with some one else. that it is possible for Maceb to have a relationship with someone else.
lifee iss good.

peace:love:drugs&happiness

maceisDONEspeaking

this arn't to great at the moment.

This, is me... my junior year. OK i don't know if I'm just being over dramatic or whatever. but I'm freaking! like I'm so stressed out! i can't sleep well knowing that I'm going to have a hard test in the next week or so, or have a project due that i prob haven't even started yet. freshman year... i didn't give two fucks soph year was a breeze.. now this year... i wanna take hard classes so i did... but now I'm regretting it cuz i got my report card and have 3 C!! up to this point iv made honor role. or just about. and iv done good and iv tried hard to get it and this yeah i feel like I'm trying even harder than iv ever tried...and still Nada, nothing. its like I'm working working working then BAM " you have failed " like cramming all night for a text and getting a 50... like iv never thought so much about dropping out of school till this year. i just wanna travel the world and take really good pictures.. not fucking learn where my body parts are and being taught bull shit things by MS B. ( shout outtttt ) who is a complete mess with her lil fucking sneakers and oversizes coffee cup first period.... i sooo should of stayed in Dr.c's class. I SHOULD OF STAYED IN ALL MY LEVEL TWO CLASSES. butt nooooo i had to be miss " colleges like level one class students " attitude and march down to guidance and get it changed... WHAT WAS I THINKING! i'm like crying. if all hell hasn't already broken loose i'm under the major weigh of my job. panera. which I'm getting fatter by the day ..by. fuckfuckfuck. they always want me to close. i hate closing. ok i'm done drinking, i'm done smoking, i'm done with friends and people. i'm going to pull a mary lu and just find a new love of studding and working. i don't want ANY FRIENDS. i don't want a boy friend. i don't want to have to worry about who i'm taking to junior prom i don't want to have to worry about anything. i wanna live free and naked in a desert with just me and some hot model that i can't think of and just have sex and not make babies and live off of plants and catus water. that's it!! that's all i ask for. every thing else can go fuck its self. ughhhh. i'm now going to go cry in my bed and wake up tomorrow and pretend that i'm not stressed and i'm not crumbling on the inside, only because there are people in other countries who never ever ever are going to have an education... you pooor pooor people are the only thing that keeps me from slowly dieing in this country. MOTHERFUCKER

Ahh don't you love it? the hazy view of the world that you have when you have had a little too much of god's fermentation? The fact that everyone of gods beautiful beings look just to die for? ha yeah right. see this night was a BIG learning experience for me! it taught me that, i have a problem. i can't drink with decently good looking people, i just can't. It's in no hesitation that i will be all over them by the end of the night... and the thing that scares me is that it really doesn't matter if there male of female... iv had extremely drunk times with both sexes. and this is what scares me. this night i took things a little too far and made the same mistakes that i said that i wouldn't make again, woken up and cried in the bathroom again. and tried to make excuses for my self once....again. i tell my self "time after time"( bomb song Cyndi Lauper) that i wont make this mistake ever again. butt OH shit. look i didn't keep my promise.. to my self. and I'm not disappointing my parents( cuz they have no idea), not my friends ( cuz there off doing the same thing ). I'm disappointing in my self. and letting my self down! that's not chill!! it seems like i have a problem. it's not that i cant be around hot, sexy, or some what attractive people. its that i shouldn't drink around hot, sexy or some what attractive people. because when i look back to it i always do stupid shit. either text a person i cursed out a week before for using me for sexual favors and asking them for somewhat sexual favors or texting my parents instead of texting the person i cursed out for sexual favors...and asking them for some what sexual favors.....:x ( it has happened ) i mean i will prob end up drinking again by the time i graduate. but not with people i don't trust or with people that will let me go off with strangers. friends that will stay by my side and we will look out for each other. this is a new begging for me. and i feel that because I'm not what i thought i was, Mr. alpha has given me another chance to prove that i can actually hold my self up when iv had a little too much of gods fermentation.

Some one once told me photography doesn't take talent

apporval of an object

Yup, I'm in the dark again, and my brain starts to ponder and i can come to a conclusion that maybe its wrong what I'm choosing, and confidence shouldn't be lacked when the lights turn on and the mirror looks back. when i turn the other way when he passes instead of giving a basic hey or when I hold back laughter and shame my self with what i said after. when he gives a one word answer and i circle around a response like a dancer. when he brushes my shoulder or grabs my hand I'm immovable like if my feet were in sand. I wish i could build up the strength in my self and not feel like I'm the last toy on the shelf. Like the last resort or the worst player on the team sport. that i could wake up every morning and look at my self with out the dissapproval mourning. why cant i love who i am and not live to impress him no mater how much he his on that limb i should feel like i could achieve within.

when does the corruption start?

Today I was at the gym. I'm in the family locker room (pretending to seem busy while my father once again takes FOREVER to come in get me) when I over hear this conversation between this young girl...around 7 and her mother. The young girl begins to ask her mom a questions then hesitates. "hey mom, am i... am i fat?" HOLY SHIT?! the mom of course answers no but that's not that point. She is seven and shes already begging to obsess over the perfect body factor. It's ironic because I just had a conversation with my father (sitting in BK Ha) about the American obsession over being skinny. What age does self conscious start? When a young girl opens of a teenage magazine and flips threw the pages of the articles with the inside scoop on being liked by guys, and the right things to say. When she flips threw the pages and starts the downward slope of comparing. This i believe is when the mind transfers. And as time goes by it becomes more and more of a serious case on weather or not there good enough, or pretty enough... or skinny enough... Threw the regular day you are slammed with perfect opportunities to compare your self with other people. you wake up, turn on the radio were all the songs talk about the perfect girl with certain body types, you go to high school, which is a dead zone for uniqueness and a playground of compares. you go on face book or myspace. and BAMM you compare! you search threw peoples photos and videos and want to act the way they act or look the way they do. ha don't dare to think about the unhappiness that comes with the perfect body or a model. Most models ARE NOT HAPPY.. I'm saying a good 95%. They are a object and a product, they don't have freedom, they don't have a say. but yet everyone wants to be just like her, or that girl in the magazines. Don't try and be your self, Try and look like others and fuck uniqueness. stop me if I'm wrong. but does any one else see the corruption that the media is doing to teenage mind?

don't mind the overly self conscious intellect

Once again I'm stuck with that over load of self consciousness, that seems to be endured by the eyes of teenage girls and the approval of "men." I look in the mirror and I'm never impressed as soon a i look below my face. I seem to be obsessed over the perfect teenage body that i seem to lack. I have been blaming my luck with guys at this high school because of it. "they would like me more if i was... this or that" but it seems to have a recurring topic of my body shape. I mean my body is the only thing I can control. My skin color is unchangeable. So i think if i set goals for my self then he will like me more or she will be my friend. But iv begun to realize also is that who the fuck cares. I'm told I'm pretty , gorgeous , hot etc. quite often but the fact that i don't get the approval on the guys at my school it seems like those other people don't even matter. There like inferior to the people at my school. Which isn't true. In a way i feel like if i can get there approval then i can be considered pretty to all. blahblahblah I really don't mean to sound cocky or come off needy or odd. But its the way I'm feeling. Don't get me started about the guy i like who plays the " i don't really like you game " but insist on texting me but responding with short word answer's. fuck you. Stop playing mind games and tell me you wantt mee soo badd. Why can't guys just be like girls. Or maybe hes just not that into me. goddamn. Please wake me when my sexy hot Spanish king knocks on my door. Because as for right now i will stay dormant until he finds/text/calls or even speaks to MEEE!!

When I thought small you were my gard
you were the male who took the household charge

don't think i have forgetten who raised me

when our father wasn't permitted a key

with my stupit ways

and my imature haze

you stood by my side

and opend up my eyes wide

when yelling and screaming occured

you gave me thoes soft spoken words

"It will be ok" you reassured

when the pain you had was more endured

Don't think I wont be ok

when i encounter my own fray

you raised me to believe

to set goals and achieve

I wont let you down

my life will be renowned

even though we are now apart

our bond shall never depart

native eyes

As I pass the streets of Hawaii i see beautiful faces surround the crisp ocean air. I see beggars at night, who put on an act or paint there faces to pay the rent. As I stay in a some-what expensive hotel i can't help but notice the view of the unfortunate households that stray up the hill. Past the resorts and the smiling tourist, you can see the true people of Hawaii. The dark skinned people that don't burn for the look but because all they own is a swim suit and a surf board. They chase there dreams in the blue toned ocean passed the slanted eyed tourist. pass the full filled dreamers that see it on TV, but where the heart of the soul hearted surfers lay. Young, old and middle age browned skin people who with hold the look of passion and love for the alphas precious gift. when they wake up early to catch the first 5 am wave they then set back and watch the sun rise over the water. the mist clear and the anticipation form.

auf wiedersehen

Dear momma lets be honest,

things don't always work out like people promise.

God made things happen upon us.

It is out of our control.

Only god can lead our soul.

He shall make our family whole.

Things have gotten hard.

Many things have left this family scarred,

but the pain shall be forgotten or discarded.

I'm sorry for the things I have shouted,

but my words and wisdom shall not be doubted.

Momma you are your own person,

if you fallow your heart you shall not worsen.

Forget what words might say,

you have to wake up and walk in your shoes today,

and tonight with your mind your going to have to lay.

Other peoples thoughts you shall not obey.

I am your daughter and I'm not ashamed,

for the things that happened you are not to be blamed.

"The past is the past" I have proclaimed.

A new day and a new challenge remains.

So don't cry those tears of pain.

When I leave tomorrow on that train.

Happiness you shall sustain.

See me and you have been through,

hard times of deep deep blue,

but dear momma don't think for a second I do not love you.

Eleven tries to look in my mothers eyes

The time is one am on the dot. (1:00am)
I'm very scared at the moment.
I feel like god put me on the spot
and I'm scared to stay ferment
The time is one oh three
and I feel like i can truly see
threw the fucked up web
passed the block of manipulative lead
The time is one oh five
and i feel numb and alive
a new start has not be tried
but the tears i cried now have dried
The time is one oh eight
and I still have a massive amount of weight
on my shoulders they lay
mother or father should i stay?
The time is one oh nine
I'm running out of destructive time
I want to be happy
my mind is running but my mouth is sticky and sappy
The time is one ten
my mind has not yet had a win
my words will not send
the realness it fends
The time is one eleven(1:11)

Teenage autobiography

Unprepared for my Chemistry Test,
I write the answers down and weight is lifted off my chest.
I pull it out with my papers,
And the thrill of cheating is finally savored

It might be wrong, but this is my song.

I’m having fun and grab a beer.
I start to dance and I begin to cheer.
I sip it down but drink it slow,
And watch my confidence begin to grow.

It might be wrong, but this is my song.

The chairs are set and the circle is formed.
I sit back easy as the smoke starts to swarm.
My eyes are squinted and my head is heavy,
And I go for a midnight Cruz in my best friends Chevy

It might be wrong, but this is my song

I’m feeling dizzy,
His body is warm but mine is chilly,
As he does what he is dared.
I set my head back to hide that I am truly scared.

It might be wrong, but this is my song

I stand in front of my father,
With my best friend, or that’s what I call her.
I lie by omission,
As I go to the party without his permission.

It might be wrong, but this is my song

I live my life with no regret,
I try to swallow my pride and forget,
That I have made mistakes,
But the pain from sinning still aches.

This all might be wrong, but this is my teenage song.

mebesee

I'm sorry, I am not me.
I'm not the person i came out to be.
If you look deep enough, you shall see,
the real, real me.
Not the person i try to be.
Like threw the teenage eyes i see,
but they are not me.
Nor the person I'm suppose to be.
& one day I'll see,
the person i call me.
At happiness I'll be,
because then i will finally see,
the person i truly call me.

Sincerely, your mind.

So I was sitting, or laying in my bed. Trying to sleep when my brain just couldn't stop talking. You know those thoughts that randomly spring forth, and you try to not think of them like its thoughts that you really don't want to think about. For me, it was my prgenito fat belly and my last hook up. We spent seven house together and ruined it in ten minutes of upstairs unsatisfactory. And an awkward "My dads on his way." I mean I seriously want to invent a time machine to take me back so i can maybe gather enough balls to say no. But see the thing is i always have a hard time saying no. For some reason when things are leading to another i cant help but go with my sexual instincts, but every time i regret. And i know that its fucking up my mind. And possibly when I'm older I'm going to blame all my hook ups from hell on someone i really truly love and push him away... Like the movies and sad stories. But when I'm alone with another guy...its hard to say no. Its just me and him, in which seems like a weird setting. Were getting into it and it only seems natural to continue. To go to the next step. There is just somethings that seem natural, and hooking up unfortunately seems some what natural. I mean the guy cant be gross or I cant be too drunk. But for those times when its just you and him. And things have gotten hot. I don't really understand the point of saying no. Its natural. Love isn't an aspect when it comes to sex. Chemicals take over your body and make you do things you wouldn't normally due or say. So why do people take sham to those who suffer from a black moan? When they are only doing what is natural, like drinking alphas pure h2o.

Inside look on a Chubby Teenage Mind

Counting Calories? Please tell me. Why did Sir alpha give people the idea of making so called fating foods if he didn't want people to indulge? I just had a cookie. From panera. And I feel like shit. Not because it wasn't good. Just because I know that its not heading for my ass.. but my semi gross stomach. Every bite I took I could feel the fat being added. It makes me so upset that a teenager like me...who's not made to be as skinny as Paris but has to obsess over her body. I exercise and work out, but I also eat whatever I want. I mean I don't go to mickydees and order a big mac..but when I'm hungry I don't eat a single carrot. Why should I live to please America? Why is every one so obsessed with being paper thin? Why cant guys like a little chubby ness? Why does the bigger girl not get guys? Uggh. Alpha made it. So why did he make minds of teenage boys who want little ass motherfucking paper thin anorexic girls the thing to date? Like wtf? Its not fair. I have a black body, but the face of a white girl. So my body if frowned upon because it doesn't look like my friends. What about my personality? What about the fact that I'm the most chill out of my friends? But for some reason they would rather call them when they want some ass then the girl that they would smoke a blunt with? Due to the fact that my body isn't as appealing as my anorexic looking friends i am forced to move to the friend status? Rather then the sexy hot friend? Not all guys are like that...i mean black guys Love the sexy hips and ass. But I'm not really down with the ghetto talking guys. Id rather be in the hills then in the Bronx's. Sip to fine wine then chug a forty. I mean maybe its just a phase. Or whats in... like bell bottoms and heavy eye shadow. But doesn't history repeat its self? Should i wate until I'm older... when it seems like things don't really matter. Or should i loose twenty pounds and stop eating so I can be that anorexic girl, instead of being that somewhat chubby girl that's not known to be sexy.

Ferment That Mr Goviee

Ronn Roberto's gets you fucked up. So I'm a teenager who isn't scared to admit that fact that she drinks(alky) quite frequently at that. Being in a unfamiliar feeling is fun to me. I mean yeah i could "enjoy life with out drugs." But what for? Once in a while its good to be someone else. And drugs and drinking is the closest thing alpha lets us. Yeah, i mean its gotten people killed, raped, and humiliated. But its those dumb ass people that take shit too far. I believe Mr alpha made the Drink of fermentation so people can enjoy things in a different way. Not that so called nattuuaaall way that gets boring... especially for us teenagers. And because the fore fathers did it, us teenagers do it too. Us juveniles learn from the past. And now the government wants to reprimand us for what they did? Does something seem wrong with this candy coded picture? I mean maybe if there were other things...or sober things that us teenagers could use as an alternate. Butt No! See bowling gets old and movies are only good when your ten or forty. Because us Teenagers know about bootleg. So you put us threw school and 1:49 on a Friday when the weekend is finally here. What is there to do? Sports are a gateway...I'm not going to deny that. But what happens when the final point is scored? Another thing is not everyone is capable of playing a sport. And some are not as smart as everyone else. Or wealthy? So when the day turns to night. And all the alternatives get old... what shall us teenagers do but PARTY?!! a sober Friday nights is frowned upon in this great teenage American lifestyle. So we buy a packy from a high school drop out, or a townie parent, and we drink. we drink until the feelings get numb and the hidden personality is revealed. And we loveeee lifeeee. We stumble around and say weird things. But we are out of our element. We are taken for a wild ride of alcholism. We exceed the drunken feeling and persuade the smiles and laughter that seems oh soo natural. So what if we drink too much. Or do stupid stuff. We are living in a life that can only be developed by that sweet sip of alphas fermentation.

This is what I have to say

Verdana has always been my favorite font. Its not to big, or to small. Its perfect. Unlike my life. Well is anyones life really perfect? It pretty much seems so in my town of North Attleboro. Everyone seems to be just a tad bit or alottabit more perfect then me. I'm a zebra in a some-what small town of white toned Irish people who has a body and a form of an unheard Asian dish. I have to consider why I'm here. Why the "alpha" (god) has put me into this kind of predicament. I feel like something is missing in my life... like this isn't it. I wake up and sleep without changing the world or inventing a new type of medication I just live in a fucked up environment we call the United States of America. I'm not a guanine genus. I'm not drop dead gorgeous. I'm not a natural at my "favorite" sport volleyball. But I try to be all these things. But why? So I can get up the next morning and try to be something I'm not? It's quite unsure why I'm here. What I'm doing. But one can only live there life day by day not knowing whats going to happen next. And for some reason i feel like i should know. I don't want to waste my life finding out. And waiting. Growing and living just like everyone else. I just don't want to grow, learn, and make babies. I WANT MORE! I want to live my life my own way, and not follow the regular "lifestyle" of a human being...